And now, a musical interlude...

No Ava no cry
No Ava no cry

I say I remember when we used to sleep
Every time the sun went down
Sometimes we’d stay up and watch some Jon Stewart
And sometimes we’d read magazines
Good sleep we have oh good sleep we have had
Along the way
Say in this great future called life, we want for you to sleep
So dry your tears, I say

No Ava no cry
No Ava no cry
Here little baby, don’t shed no tears (clap clap)
No Ava no cry

I say I remember sleeping very late
And feeling very rested
And then we’d go to brunch because we were too late for breakfast
And sometimes see a movie
Now we’re up so late, driving you around
Streetlights burning through the night
Then we mix one more bottle and some Gripe Water, well I mean it
Of which will help you sleep, yeah!
Our feet is your only carriage
And so we’ve got to push on through
But while we’re up

Everything’s gonna be all right
Everything’s gonna be all right
Everything’s gonna be all right
Everything’s gonna be all right

No Ava no cry
No Ava no cry
Here, little sister, don’t shed no tears (clap clap)
No Ava no cry

Happy Easter!

And 10 minutes later...

Ava 1, RSV 0

Ava is a Tough Little Panda.

We saw Very Wise Doctor this morning, and got good news! Ava is cleared to go back to Daycare! VWD said that the fact that she tested positive for what can be a pretty serious condition but didn't ever really get sick is quite unusual. It never hit her lungs or affected her breathing, she never got a fever. She most likely would have been OK at Daycare this week (only after they douse the whole place in Purell, of course...).

She's with Gramps & Grams today. Daycare can wait one more day.

There Is A Level Of Hell Called "Logistics"

I’ve noticed that everything we do now has many steps. A simple trip to Target has become a Big Deal that must happen at a certain time (between feedings), with the proper equipment (stroller? just the carrier? list of items sorted by store geography?) and in the proper chronology (before groceries? after library? on my way home or on Rob’s). As someone who is generally aware of details even on a bad day, sometimes I just get worn out by the logistics.

A new variable is “who do we need to tell”? We like to keep people in the Loop (hence the blog) but Ava has created a significant level of interest in our doings. Our Loop has gotten large. Active players in our current Ava Is Too Sick For Daycare Loop (more on that in a minute) include both of our employers, the lead teacher at Daycare, Very Wise Doctor, Dad & Florence, a network of concerned aunties who are generous with both help and wisdom, and my assistant. Coordinating all of these players has given me wrinkly lines between my eyebrows, let me tell you.

Yes, Ava is sick. Booooo. She has what has been confirmed to be a mild case of RSV. Don’t panic. Really. While RSV can be something scary and awful involving hospitalization, Ava’s is manifesting itself much like a medium-strength cold. No temperature or wheezing, some coughing and congestion. Her appetite is good, wet and poopy diapers are coming at us steadily (such things are very important, much like the wetness/dryness of a dog’s nose to determine illness. Who knew?). She’s a bit crabby (sore throat maybe?) but that could just be because she’s my kid and crabby is a dominant gene. Whatever. Most of the time she’s squirmy and smiley and isn’t slowed down by being sick.

I took her to see Very Wise Doctor on Friday, and he tested her for RSV because he heard the cough and had a hunch. She was at Daycare yesterday (yikes, sorry to inflict Typhoid Ava on 4 other unsuspecting babies…) but is out for the rest of the week. Rob is home with her today. She’s back at VWD tomorrow morning, and unless she’s cleared to go back to Daycare, she’ll be crashing with Gramps & Grams for the rest of the week. I called Daycare to let them know. That was a fun conversation:

Me (out loud): Hi, this is Ava’s mom. She won’t be in this week, as we’ve confirmed that she has RSV.
Me (in my head): Listen you people she has been at your facility for TWO WEEKS and she has freaking RSV?! What the hell are you people doing over there? Do I get a refund for this week or is that part of the screw-you fee I get to pay for not being a stay-at-home-mom?
Lead Teacher (out loud): Oh no! Thank you so much for telling us! We hope she’s OK!
Lead Teacher (in her head): Holy crap I hope this lady doesn’t think she caught it here even though her kid’s been here only two weeks oh jeez she caught it here.
Me (out loud): What do we need to do to clear her to come back?
Me (in my head): Crap I hope she didn’t pass it along.
LT (out loud): A note from her doctor is all we need. Poor baby!
LT (in her head): Crap I hope she doesn’t call the licensing board because this stuff happens whenever you get babies in a room together. At least she called and told us though. Best. Mom. Ever! (I’m paraphrasing here)

Yeah. So she’s fine. Ava will get some quality time with my dad, which I’ll help her recover from when she’s older (KIDDING, DAD!). Seriously, we’re so lucky that they are willing, able, and available to take care of her for a few days while she gets better. And, from what I understand, she’ll most likely be back to normal within a week. We’ll keep you posted.

Routine, Schmroutine

Going back to work wasn't nearly the hellishly dramatic disaster I feared it would be. My assistant and I have officially switched roles, and she'll be training me on how to do my job this week, now that I have my bearings again. We'll probably switch back to our normal selves, a la Freaky Friday, on, well, Friday.

We've established that it is critically important to have a routine in the mornings in order for everyone to get out the door fully dressed and fully fed. So I get up around 6:30 and eat and get ready immediately. Rob's morning depends on when Ava wakes up. If she wakes up before 7, he feeds her until 7 and then I take over so he can get ready for work. It is very, very important for her to start her bottle no later than 7:30 so I can get us out the door by 8:15. Anything that can be done the night before (make lunches, fix bottles for daycare, etc.) is done the night before.

Ava is in the Twinkle Star room at daycare, which is entirely appropriate. She is after all our twinkly little star, as evidenced in her first school picture:


I KNOW!

We really do like Ava's daycare. They are wonderful and they treat her, and us, like old friends. They take excellent care of her, and I know this because I have visited her every day thus far on my lunch hour, which they don't mind a bit. I know there will come a time when I won't be able to go every day, and maybe sometime I won't feel like I need to. But right now I can and I do and my schedule and location allows it so there we are. Some days she is awake and I get to feed her, some days I catch nap time and we sit in the rocker and just have a cuddle.

It's hard to leave her. It's hard to walk away from her in the mornings. She usually falls asleep in the car and so it's easier on me to let her stay asleep in the carseat when I drop her off. The worst day was Tuesday when she was awake and hungry and crying and I handed her to Miss Nina and I could hear her all the way down the hall. Oof. But our aforementioned routine means that she eats before we leave and that problem shouldn't arise again.

So here's a video from this morning. Ava has the requisite playmat where soft friendly bugs hang down from above her and she giggles and smiles at them. And sometimes she falls asleep with her binky somehow ending up on her forehead.



So that's where we are. It was a good week. It's good to be back at work and we are pleasantly surprised with how happy we are with the daycare. Yes, there's a significant amount of mommy guilt every time I walk away from her, but it gets cancelled out by the big smile I see when I walk in to the Twinkle Star room to pick her up at the end of the day.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

I go back to work tomorrow.

The last three months have been amazing, full of moments that I never could have anticipated. We feel so lucky that I was able to take so much time off. When we sat down last summer and figured out how much time I'd be taking, three months seem like a huge amount of time. But it has flown by. I'd heard of the Baby Time Warp, when you glance up at the clock and it's 2:30 AM and then you look again a moment later and it's after 5. Actually experiencing it was overwhelming. After the three weeks we spent waiting for her to get here after I stopped working, time just seemed a blur. We look at pictures from those first few days when we just hoped to get to the next feeding and the next nap and we're amazed by how much she has changed already. The advice we received from the nurse as we checked out of the hospital was invaluable: newborns cry for three reasons only--pain, dirty diaper, and hunger. Rule them out in order, and you'll be fine. She was right.

Ava's outgrown that advice. She's less id (for you Freudians) and is more aware of what she likes and dislikes. She doesn't hesitate to tell us when she's not happy, either. Right now, when she won't calm down, it generally means that she wants to be held, and then we have to guess if she wants to be up in the traditional burping position, or down like when she's being fed. A wrong guess has disastrous results!

Her 2-month (OMG TWO MONTHS!) check up was on the 11th. She weighed 11 pounds 5 ounces and was almost 21 inches long, both of which are "excellent" according to the wise doctor. She's getting those supercute chubby wrinkly thighs that you just want to take a bite out of. She has found her hands, and she'll suck on them if we don't get to her quickly enough with a binky. She loves to watch things that are above her and move--mobiles, the dog, us, ceiling fans. Ceiling fans are the best inventions ever. I'm going to tie some scarves to ours to give her some color to watch. The best thing she does, however, are the big gummy open-mouth smiles that she gives when we smile at her. Really, nothing prepares you for that cuteness.

So about a month ago I realized I was looking forward to being back at work. And I still am, for the most part. I went shopping today and got some clothes because none of my pre-pregnancy stuff fits and I refuse to wear maternity clothes! They fit and are super comfortable, but they really do look terrible on you when you're not pregnant. So I'm going out into the world a couple of sizes larger but no worse for the wear.

I think the worst part of tomorrow, the part that I'm dreading, the part that is making me tear up even as I type, will be leaving her at the daycare. Oh good lord. Be right back...

OK OK OK I'm fine. Really. We did a trial run at the daycare on Friday. Rob took the day off and we dropped Ava off at about 10 and took care of some business and had a leisurely brunch and it was fine. We also played Megabucks just in case, but didn't win so we're still on track for this work/daycare thing. She was there for about 4 hours. We all survived. The infant room has 8 babies for 3 fulltime teachers. They're all very nice (the teachers, not the babies. Not that the babies aren't nice, but we weren't really focused on them...) and it's obvious that they love what they do. The babies (who are probably really nice in their own ways...) have their own cribs with pictures of their families (oh shoot I need to get some pictures of us...) on the rails. My office is 5 minutes away, and I'll probably visit on my lunch most days. And it will be fine. She will be fine. We will be fine.

Be right back...

I'm OK as long as nobody asks if I'm OK, because they get this look in their eyes when they ask like they're expecting me to break down into tears, which I inevitably do as soon as they're not looking. So for Christ's sake don't ask if I'm OK. Just know that I am. And I know that Rob is too, even though walking out of the daycare while she cried for her regularly scheduled bottle about killed us both.

Be right back...

I blame the hormones.

Generations

This is our family Bible.


And it has been in our family for four generations, beginning with my great-grandmother, and it has been passed down through the daughters. I've had it for about 10 years, and one day a few years back I opened it for the first time ever. It's kind of fragile--the front cover is no longer actually attached--so it's always been a "look but don't touch" relic. But I'm a grown-up, and so I figured nobody was going to ground me for opening it. Inside, I found a family history. My great-grandmother started it:

"This Bible was given to Lura, daughter of Abigail, daughter of Philura. At the death of Philura, who is Lura's grandmother, this book will belong to Emily, Lura's daughter."

And then, in my grandmother's writing:

"Emily's daughter Carolyn will receive it at Emily's death."

We actually received it years before Emily died, and it was on the same plant-stand it sits on now in the house in which I grew up for as long as I can remember.

On subsequent pages, my great-grandmother (the aforementioned Lura) wrote down the dates of births, deaths, and marriages of her family, and again, the daughters wrote their own updates and additions. And when I married Rob, I added us to the long list. Today, on the page for births, I wrote in Ava's name and birth date. Someday, this big beautiful book will be hers. She is its fifth generation.

There are probably half a dozen pressed flowers in this Bible. I don't know most of their origins; whomever placed them inside didn't leave a note. I imagine many of the flowers are from weddings or christenings. One is from my mom's funeral; another is from my own wedding. These are all part of our story, and someday Ava will add her own.

To clarify...

The music in that video was added during the editing process. No other special effects were used, however.

:)

A Typical Evening.

When I was pregnant, Ava had a definite schedule of activity from the moment I first became aware of her. For most of the day, I'd feel little movements here and there and not much at all in the afternoons. Then at night, right when I'd be ready to go to bed, she would come to life.

Ava has maintained that schedule. Observe.



I know it's long, but it's worth watching until the end, isn't it?

This is essentially what happens every night. This was filmed between 10 and 11PM last night. As you can see, she finally wore herself out and we all got about 3 hours of sleep after that. Rob and I frequently discuss how wonderful it will be when she gets over that subsequent feeding, which generally comes around 1:30AM. Oof. It's a tough one, because it's probably half an hour of actual food consumption and then an hour or more of Ava wide awake and wanting to play. The graveyard shift makes for a long night and an even longer next day.

Fortunately for her, she's super cute.



Seriously.

Oh no! It's March!

I go back to work 3 weeks from today. Here are my current anxieties on this topic:

1. Ava. Daycare. Nuff said.
2. Dragging myself out of bed at 6AM, getting myself ready, getting Ava ready (with lots of help from Rob) and getting through the day without falling asleep at my desk. That's actually 4 anxieties in one. Awesome.
3. Remembering how to do my job.
4. I'm too small for maternity clothes (except for the low-rise early pregnancy pants with the handy waistband and generous cut through the butt...) and too big for regular clothes, and am unsure of how much to invest in this transitional non-size that I am right now.
5. Getting anything done around the house.
   

That's all I can think of right now, and quite frankly I'm relieved because I figured there would be more of them. So, how are we going to deal with these concerns? Let's address them in order.

1. We are waitlisted at the first-choice daycare, so we're focusing on choice #2, which is actually a very very close second. I'll be meeting with them this week or next to have our "transition meeting". This is where they meet with me to give me a list of what to bring for Ava (diapers, meds, clothes, food, life-size replicas of me and Rob...) and probably to ascertain just how crazy I am. I'll be on my best behavior so as to fool them completely.
2. This week begins a regular schedule for me. I'll be getting up at 6:30 and getting dressed and getting Ava ready. Naturally, as soon as Rob heads out the door I'll go back to bed. Baby steps.
3. Oh, I'm sure it will come back to me. Piece of cake. There are actually a few things that we've been meaning to change up a bit, so this might be a good time to take a step back and rethink how we do them. The idea of a blank slate is appealing.
4. Ugh. Before our wedding, I was on Weight Watchers and I lost almost 50 pounds. Yeah. So I'm back on that wagon. I had to wait 6 weeks after Ava was born to start any diet or exercise program, and we're at week 7 now. It's time. So I'm keeping track of what I eat, and having more meals at home makes this easier. Exercise is tricky because I have no endurance. None. After a day of not leaving the house I'm exhausted. If I run 2 errands I need the following day to recover. I'm starting small. We have a Wii Fit, and I try to ignore how it made my little avatar girl a Fattie. I've dusted off the elliptical trainer that lives behind our sofa. And taking Ava for walks is nice for both of us. This anxiety goes beyond getting back into my clothes. Suddenly I have to be a Good Example for someone, and she is going to learn how to eat and take care of herself by watching us. Besides, I'm already going to be the Old Mom. I don't want to also be the Fat Mom.
5. There has been an alarming amount of time available to get stuff done around the house, and we have been busy. The garage has shelving on 2 walls now. The pantry is cleaned out and organized. The kitchen cupboards have stuff in them that we use and not so much stuff that we don't. Closets and drawers are next. By the time I go back to work, this place will be a well-oiled machine, and the big issue will be maintaining it. We don't have a lot of space, so while it piles up quickly it also cleans up quickly. I like to do a little bit every day--one load of laundry, 10 minutes of cleaning something, stuff like that. We should be able to keep that going.

Ava is wonderful. Her world gets bigger every day. Yesterday, she noticed her hands. They didn't hold her attention for very long, but I bet they will soon. She's out of newborn sizes and into the 0-3 month clothes, which means that the newborn stuff is now in a box in the garage. We have no comment as to whether those will be used again at any time in the future.

We'll have new pics and video to gush over this week ;).

OK OK OK This is why we needed a video camera.

For exciting clips like this one. On the cuteness scale, this rates about a bazillion plus one.




That's how she sleeps. She's very restless, and it took us quite a while to get used to it. The first couple of weeks, we jumped at every chirp, every time she opened her eyes, every motion. Now? We put her down, turn on the monitor (or turn off the light) and when we hear her we give it at least a 10-count before we do anything. If we jump too soon, we wake her up unnecessarily and then we have to get her back to sleep. But if we just hang out for a bit, she often works herself out and stays asleep.

Go ahead. Watch it again. If you listen closely, you can hear a little fart.

Ava is changing every day. This morning, she gave me this big gummy smile when she saw me, and that's just about the best thing ever. Her world is coming into focus a little bit at a time. All of the experts say that you should read to your baby every day, and I love that because I'm a reader and I'd love it if she became one too. We read a few of the baby books that we have, and she spent most of the time watching me and dozing off. So I thought I'd steer away from those until she's more interested in the pictures. So we're reading the Little House books. We just finished the first one


and we started the next one



this morning. I'm a dork and I read them all periodically because I love them so much. Yeah. I own it. Someday maybe Ava will read them back to me :).

So yesterday I went into work to introduce Ava to the people who were with me the most during the past few months. They deserved a special trip and fanfare because, let's face it, a lot of my pregnancy was spent with me being some degree of crazy. It got where I wasn't sure if my stress was from the changes in my job description after my promotion (shameless plug, there) or because my hormones rose and fell like the tides during a full moon. It was great to see everyone and catch up. And while I'm sure they were glad when I finally started maternity leave and took the crazy show out of the office, my assistant (who kicks ass and has really stepped up and gone above and beyond her original role...) will be relieved when I come back. There have been some changes in how stuff gets done, so she'll be training me as well. Remind me to get something nice for when I go back to work. She's earned it.

Camcorder Part 2

OK so it takes a little while to load, but how about that picture!

So We Got A Camcorder.

This is mainly just a test to see if it works. Behold:





More interesting stuff to come, I'm sure.

If you're curious, this was filmed using a Flip Video Mino HD Camera, which is a high definition video camera for people who don't know much about that sort of thing. Very cool. Check it out here.

It's been one month (and one day...)

Here is what is different:

1. Everything

It's shocking to realize that everything that happens, every thought in my head, every plan I make goes through an Ava filter. She casts a shadow over everything. My time continuum is now divided differently than before--it used to be based on whether something happened before or after my mom died. That was the context into which all events fell, and looking back, how awful is that? Now, everything, including that awful event, has fallen into a new category: was it before or after January 12, 2009?

I'll tell you one thing--if it was before that date, I probably did it faster and with fewer props.

I have about five and a half weeks until I go back to work, and that is another red letter date right there. I'm ready, in the sense that I'm looking forward to re-entering the world. As much as I have fantasized about not working, it's become very clear that I am not meant to be a stay-at-home mom. Nope. The same amount of focus that I put into all of the components of my job description is now concentrated into the 2 or 3 things I seem to be doing all day every day at home. It's exhausting. I miss the variety of my job and the people I see every day. I do have a pretty cool job with interesting people coming in and out of my office throughout the day. It requires me to think on my feet and shift gears quickly, and I like that.

But I'm so not ready to go back to work in so many ways that have nothing to do with me. Ava will be 10 weeks old on March 23. Yikes! Little! The thought of taking her to the day care and, oh my god, LEAVING HER THERE scares me to death. I'm pretty sure that we won't get into our first choice facility, and that's OK. We're aiming for #2, and I've spoken with the director who is also in the newborn room. They have a transition program that is mainly for parents--it's supposed to help us get used to leaving the child with them. I'm hoping that it includes a sedative and a pitcher of martinis as well, because I am going to be a hot mess. Ten. Weeks. Old. OMG. Rob is going to take time off and we're going to do the day care transition thing together.

We try not to think about March 23 too much.

Some quick Ava stats...

• 8 pounds, 14 ounces; 20-3/4 inches long
• 100 diapers in 7 days
• 3-4 hours of sleep at a time, interrupted by a 4-ounce bottle and an hour or so of awake time
• 3 costume changes a day, due to the occasional spit-up issue
• Favorite time of day is still 1-4AM, just like when I was pregnant.
  

At 4 weeks, she's starting to become more of a person and less of a larvae. She's awake more, and is pretty content (we're counting our lucky stars on that one...) unless she's hungry or in need of a new diaper. She still goes into Hulk Baby mode if we take too long with the bottle, but she calms down quickly, and we're thankful for that. I'm not cocky enough to think it's because of our amazing instinctive parenting skills--she's an easy baby so far. My dad thinks she's just saving it up for her adolescence, like I did. We'll see.

And now, a musical interlude.

The "4AM Feeding The Baby With Nothing On TV But News and Informercials" Song

Slow down, you drink too fast
You've got to make the bottle last
Just sucking down the Enfamil
Looking around and feelin' burpyyyyyyyy

ShamWOW fella, you're a moron
It's just a rag, it's not freaking cold fusion you imbecile
Why are you on every channel?
You make me want to throw a hammer at the TV
Ba da da da da da da
Feelin' crabbyyyyyyyyy

Why is there a traffic report right now?
It's 4:27 and who goes to work at 4:27?!
Ava's finished and sound asleep
I'm wide awake and feelin' like a zombieeeeeeeeee
Ba da da da da da da
Like a zombieeeeeeeeeeee

My apologies to Simon and Garfunkel.