True Mom Confessions Can Bite Me.

I'm a semi-regular reader of this great blog--Motherhood Is Not For Wimps--and she just had a post where she made her own confessions and called for the confessions of other moms. A year ago, I would have been horrified by some of them. What kind of person doesn't change sheets regularly?! Cobwebs are an abomination! Etc...

Seven months in, I have a few of my own.

• The guilt I felt about going back to work and putting Ava in daycare was balanced by an equal amount of relief. Three months of staying home and being at her beck and call was exhausting. Work was, and often still is, like a mini-vacation. I have come to see the 4 Daycare Ladies as my colleagues. They are an integral part of the village that it takes to raise Ava.
• That said, the best part of my day is invariably the moment where I walk into her classroom and she sees me and literally drops what she's doing and smiles.
  
• Rob does a disproportionate amount of late night feedings and dirty diaper changes (sometimes simultaneously). I'm aware of it, and once he sees this admission I'll likely never hear the end of it.
• I keep the house clean at the expense of getting sleep. After some serious reflecting about this, I've come to realize that it's my way of ensuring that even though I'm a mom now, and my priorities don't come first, I'm still in here. I like a clean house, dammit, and therefore the house will be as clean as I can keep it.
• When people tell me how cute/happy/wonderful Ava is, I get all gracious and humble, when what I really want to say is "Yeah, I know."

There are a ton more, but these came to mind first.

It is interesting that revelations like mine (and those on that other blog) are presented as "confessions", rather than "this is how our family functions; deal with it". When did it become necessary to put on a show and make it seem like we're in complete control with little effort? I'm reminded of an email I received from my friend Amy (hi Amy!) near the end of my pregnancy. I've known Amy since 6th grade. There aren't a lot of secrets or surprises between us anymore. So this email that I received on January 6, a day after my due date and 4 days after another friend had just given birth and I was so jealous and tired and sore and BLAH... this email that so very nicely praised how well I was handling the home stretch of pregnancy and how zen I sounded, triggered something in me, and my reply was this total stream-of-consciousness spew of wrath that GOD I would have loved to post here but it probably would have raised eyebrows and inspired some well-intentioned but poorly-received advice.

What stopped me from writing about how tired and scared and sore I was? Why couldn't I be honest here about how irritating the teasing and questions (jeez, people, my cervix is NONE of your business) were getting? Why should we be embarrassed when we talk about how hard this is and how sometimes it's vitally important to keep a little bit of ourselves in the spotlight.

I've mentioned that I'm part of an online community. The original topic that brought us together is not related to pregnancy or childrearing, but that's the most common bond. Recently, another new mom and I were discussing how hard the first weeks are, and how sometimes you just feel alone because after the first couple of weeks, people stop bringing food over and gushing and visiting and suddenly you're on your own and it's fucking terrifying (it's my blog, I can use the F-word once in a while). Within a few minutes, others joined in, echoing the sentiment of "why don't we tell other soon-to-be moms this?!" Why is it so hard to admit that it's a struggle? Why is there this feeling of needing to defend the decisions we make and when we finally own them, why do we have to call them "confessions"?

Dammit, we're doing the best we can. All of us. Any day that ends with your whole family going to bed in one piece is a victory, and anyone who says "Oh, you stay at home? Really? Hmm..." can piss off. Anyone who says "How long did you try to breastfeed?" can just blow it out their asses. Everyone we see is fighting some kind of battle, and nobody has the right to make anyone feel like they have to defend their strategy.