OK OK OK This is why we needed a video camera.

For exciting clips like this one. On the cuteness scale, this rates about a bazillion plus one.




That's how she sleeps. She's very restless, and it took us quite a while to get used to it. The first couple of weeks, we jumped at every chirp, every time she opened her eyes, every motion. Now? We put her down, turn on the monitor (or turn off the light) and when we hear her we give it at least a 10-count before we do anything. If we jump too soon, we wake her up unnecessarily and then we have to get her back to sleep. But if we just hang out for a bit, she often works herself out and stays asleep.

Go ahead. Watch it again. If you listen closely, you can hear a little fart.

Ava is changing every day. This morning, she gave me this big gummy smile when she saw me, and that's just about the best thing ever. Her world is coming into focus a little bit at a time. All of the experts say that you should read to your baby every day, and I love that because I'm a reader and I'd love it if she became one too. We read a few of the baby books that we have, and she spent most of the time watching me and dozing off. So I thought I'd steer away from those until she's more interested in the pictures. So we're reading the Little House books. We just finished the first one


and we started the next one



this morning. I'm a dork and I read them all periodically because I love them so much. Yeah. I own it. Someday maybe Ava will read them back to me :).

So yesterday I went into work to introduce Ava to the people who were with me the most during the past few months. They deserved a special trip and fanfare because, let's face it, a lot of my pregnancy was spent with me being some degree of crazy. It got where I wasn't sure if my stress was from the changes in my job description after my promotion (shameless plug, there) or because my hormones rose and fell like the tides during a full moon. It was great to see everyone and catch up. And while I'm sure they were glad when I finally started maternity leave and took the crazy show out of the office, my assistant (who kicks ass and has really stepped up and gone above and beyond her original role...) will be relieved when I come back. There have been some changes in how stuff gets done, so she'll be training me as well. Remind me to get something nice for when I go back to work. She's earned it.

Camcorder Part 2

OK so it takes a little while to load, but how about that picture!

So We Got A Camcorder.

This is mainly just a test to see if it works. Behold:





More interesting stuff to come, I'm sure.

If you're curious, this was filmed using a Flip Video Mino HD Camera, which is a high definition video camera for people who don't know much about that sort of thing. Very cool. Check it out here.

It's been one month (and one day...)

Here is what is different:

1. Everything

It's shocking to realize that everything that happens, every thought in my head, every plan I make goes through an Ava filter. She casts a shadow over everything. My time continuum is now divided differently than before--it used to be based on whether something happened before or after my mom died. That was the context into which all events fell, and looking back, how awful is that? Now, everything, including that awful event, has fallen into a new category: was it before or after January 12, 2009?

I'll tell you one thing--if it was before that date, I probably did it faster and with fewer props.

I have about five and a half weeks until I go back to work, and that is another red letter date right there. I'm ready, in the sense that I'm looking forward to re-entering the world. As much as I have fantasized about not working, it's become very clear that I am not meant to be a stay-at-home mom. Nope. The same amount of focus that I put into all of the components of my job description is now concentrated into the 2 or 3 things I seem to be doing all day every day at home. It's exhausting. I miss the variety of my job and the people I see every day. I do have a pretty cool job with interesting people coming in and out of my office throughout the day. It requires me to think on my feet and shift gears quickly, and I like that.

But I'm so not ready to go back to work in so many ways that have nothing to do with me. Ava will be 10 weeks old on March 23. Yikes! Little! The thought of taking her to the day care and, oh my god, LEAVING HER THERE scares me to death. I'm pretty sure that we won't get into our first choice facility, and that's OK. We're aiming for #2, and I've spoken with the director who is also in the newborn room. They have a transition program that is mainly for parents--it's supposed to help us get used to leaving the child with them. I'm hoping that it includes a sedative and a pitcher of martinis as well, because I am going to be a hot mess. Ten. Weeks. Old. OMG. Rob is going to take time off and we're going to do the day care transition thing together.

We try not to think about March 23 too much.

Some quick Ava stats...

• 8 pounds, 14 ounces; 20-3/4 inches long
• 100 diapers in 7 days
• 3-4 hours of sleep at a time, interrupted by a 4-ounce bottle and an hour or so of awake time
• 3 costume changes a day, due to the occasional spit-up issue
• Favorite time of day is still 1-4AM, just like when I was pregnant.
  

At 4 weeks, she's starting to become more of a person and less of a larvae. She's awake more, and is pretty content (we're counting our lucky stars on that one...) unless she's hungry or in need of a new diaper. She still goes into Hulk Baby mode if we take too long with the bottle, but she calms down quickly, and we're thankful for that. I'm not cocky enough to think it's because of our amazing instinctive parenting skills--she's an easy baby so far. My dad thinks she's just saving it up for her adolescence, like I did. We'll see.

And now, a musical interlude.

The "4AM Feeding The Baby With Nothing On TV But News and Informercials" Song

Slow down, you drink too fast
You've got to make the bottle last
Just sucking down the Enfamil
Looking around and feelin' burpyyyyyyyy

ShamWOW fella, you're a moron
It's just a rag, it's not freaking cold fusion you imbecile
Why are you on every channel?
You make me want to throw a hammer at the TV
Ba da da da da da da
Feelin' crabbyyyyyyyyy

Why is there a traffic report right now?
It's 4:27 and who goes to work at 4:27?!
Ava's finished and sound asleep
I'm wide awake and feelin' like a zombieeeeeeeeee
Ba da da da da da da
Like a zombieeeeeeeeeeee

My apologies to Simon and Garfunkel.

There's a football game today? Really?

I've kind of lost touch with the outside world. It hasn't been hard to do. Getting out of the house has become an event of such epic proportions that it just doesn't happen very often. Ava's been congested all week but is much better after regular saline/blue sucky thing treatments. It appears that she inherited my questionable sinuses, and at some point she'll doubtless become well acquainted with my ENT (Dr. Boyers, best in town). Incidentally, I saw him on Friday because of an ill-timed sinus infection that, thankfully, was caught and dealt with before it got really out of hand. Seriously, whose idea was it to see if me being sick with a newborn was a good idea?! The universe was mocking me, I'm sure.

Today's big story: Ava decided that she didn't hate the swing anymore!


We tried it a couple of weeks ago out of desperation one fussy night, and we discovered than when she's really pissed off, she turns into what we call "Hulk Baby", and since we don't like her when she's angry we gave the swing a rest. We tried it again today on a whim.

Oh, and here's ten minutes later...


She's pondering Very Important Things right there.

Rob and I have achieved a kind of rhythm as far as Ava's eating and sleeping go. It's not so much of a schedule (yet--we hear good things about schedules and hope to achieve one at some later date). We do zone coverage at night as opposed to man-to-man. The first zone is 8:00 PM until about 1:30. Whoever got the best sleep the previous night covers this zone, allowing the other to crash immediately after dinner and get a good 5 solid hours of sleep. At 1:30ish, we switch. It seems to be working.

That's really all that's happening right now. The stuff that excites us doesn't seem very exciting when I write it out. It's hard to put into words the dozen small victories that we claim every day (She's a side sleeper! Put her on her side and she'll stay asleep! Hooray!), and the camera never quite captures how she makes a hundred faces as she's falling asleep and makes little squeaks and chirps all the while. I don't know (and I don't particularly care...) if all other newborns do this exact same thing and we just have tunnel vision about how fabulous and interesting she is. There will come a time when I will re-enter the world (March 23 when I go back to work, to be precise) and I'll become aware of how other things are going on. For now, she's the best show in town.

Insert Clever Title Here

Seriously, I can't think of anything interesting to call this post. Here are some pictures.


Hey look her eyes are open! She's in her bouncy chair, where she loves to be when she's awake and happy (don't try to put her there when she's not already happy...). And yes, I know the year is wrong on the camera. I'll fix it. Someday.

We're plugging along. Did some Official Business today, and now Miss Ava has insurance coverage and has some daycare set up for March. Errands are a bit easier now that I have a better idea of how to deploy. It's best to leave after her last bottle of the morning when she's about to start her afternoon naps. Everything else goes in the car before she does. She falls asleep by the time we're out of the driveway, and generally stays asleep until she is taken out of the car. Awesome. She sleeps through music, conversation, and even the mild road rage that I can't quite get over (it's better than it was--no gestures, less profanity).

She's been a little congested this week--evidently this is pretty normal for infants. We're on a Saline Drops and Blue Sucky Thing regimen, with a side of Cool Mist Humidifier for good measure. Yesterday was rough; she was pretty snorty and unhappy about it (no bouncy chair for most of the day...). Today is much better. I fear that she may have inherited my faulty sinuses, and that will certainly be no picnic for any of us. Ugh.

I've gotten a lot of email about the whole Breastfeeding Thing. One of my friends sent me a link to a great blog that really hit home. There's so much emphasis on how breastfeeding is the ideal and formula is a distant second choice at best. I think the lactation hippie meant well and really did give me a lot of help, and I'm going back to her for a follow-up on Friday. She emphasized (read: pushed) nursing over pumping, and now that I know what to expect I think I'll be able to better steer the discussion toward "Feeding The Baby" rather than "Nursing = Superior Bonding". She means well, but there just aren't enough hours in my day to implement all of her methods. Hell, I can't even find a minute to change the date on my goddamn camera and she suggests a three-step process for Every. Single. Feeding? RIGHT? Whatever. I will pick up another bottle of voodoo supplements--I can't dispute the fact that they have helped out with the milk supply.

And so that, hopefully, is the end of the What Do We Feed Her saga.

I blame the lactation hippie.

It's hard not to be the crazy mom. There's so much that we just don't know about what is and is not normal. Any snake oil salesman can come along and tell me that Ava is missing out on XYZ and we need to buy/sell/do ABC in order to make sure she's OK and I will bite.

Case in point: Wednesday, I met with a lactation consultant to get some pointers about nursing and such. Ms Tie-Dyed In the Wool Earthy Chunky Organic Granola immediately sets forth assessing what we're dealing with (namely, The Girls, if ya get my drift) and how we can help Ava have more milk and less formula. Before I can even say "age of Aquarius", I'm buying a new nursing pillow ("My Brest Friend"), a ten-day supply of herbal supplements to help increase my milk supply, and am on the phone with the pediatrician's office to schedule an immediate appointment to take care of Ava's tied tongue, which is a HUGE impediment to her successful latching-on and will result in her NEVER BEING ABLE TO BREASTFEED OMG WE NEED TO FIX THIS STAT. As luck would have it, we can get in at 4:30 that same day! Hooray! Never let it be said that my baby girl suffered for my lack of action.

OK, so I drag our tired butts to the doctor's office, which, fortunately, is super close to home. Two hours later, we return home with the knowledge that yes, she has a bit of a connection betwixt her tongue and the bottom of her mouth, but, in the words of our Very Wise Doctor, "if she can latch on to a bottle, she can latch on to a breast." Furthermore, in 25 years of pediatric practice, he has never corrected such a thing, nor even seen one that he thought was worthy of referring out to a specialist for correction. He then patted us both on the heads, gave me a lolly, and sent us on our way. And when we got outside it was raining, which was the cherry on the cake of that crazy stupid day. Poor Rob. He was waiting for us when we got home, and he pulled my exhaustedly sobbing self out of the car, somehow got Ava into the house, put us both in comfy pajamas and declared Wednesday over.

I didn't intend to go insane and be That Mom. Really. At no time did I insist that My Child Needs Immediate Attention. It just worked out that way. Thank God we found a doctor who takes things like this in stride and is able to keep a straight face and reassure me that, really, there's nothing wrong with our kid and we can relax about her nursing. She's fine.

Good lord. This post-partum hormonal thing sneaks up on you. I mean, I knew that stuff would get to me in new and exciting ways but I had no idea how quickly I would go from "I'm fine, we're cool" to "OMG WHY IS THE WORLD SO AWFUL?!" So now we have some rules about how my errands are managed; namely, no same-day add-ons. If something new comes up, it can wait until tomorrow or next week or whenever.

This morning I took Ava to the lab for some bloodwork--just a follow-up for the PKU that they performed last week in the hospital. Routine stuff, kind of unpleasant as they do what is called a "heel stick" and it's probably 30 seconds of aggravation for babies and two days of anxiety for moms (even moms who are working very hard not to be high maintenance). Again, she's fine, resting comfortably, and I celebrated the completion of the blood draw with a diet Coke and a fancy cupcake.

I was talking to my friend Tina today about this hormonal thing that's happening. I feel good and I don't feel overwhelmed (read: this is something I'm pretty sure I can handle). But the second anyone asks "So, how are you doing?" I get a bit teary and pherklempt and I have to take a second to get on top of it. Tina recalled feeling the same way--super tired, but generally OK until someone asks if you're OK and when you start to think about just how much Everything has changed you feel overcome by how amazing and different and hard and wonderful it all is and how it all changed in one exhilarating minute (must stop, getting weepy...).

Rob's back at work and that's been an adjustment for everyone. His first day back was Wednesday, and that made for a long Tuesday night and a tough Wednesday morning (even before the hippie). We had a better night last night, as Ava decided that sleeping after each bottle would be acceptable to her. That made a huge difference, as when she sleeps, everybody gets to sleep. I'll still take a nap in a little while, but it doesn't feel like such a necessity today ; rather, it's kind of the way my naps used to be back B.A. (Before Ava) when I was just lazy instead of justifiably tired ;).

Oh, and the herbal supplements that Sunshine Von Acid Trip recommended seem to have helped with the milk supply. Go figure.

One Week of Ava

Whoa, that went fast. First, a picture from this afternoon:


We have a lot of pictures that look like this. When she's wrapped up like a little burrito and asleep in her crib next to a rolled-up blanket so she doesn't roll over, this is when we have a chance to get a camera in hand. We have one shot of her with her eyes open...


Yeah. Kind of hard to tell, but they're dark dark bluish-gray. And how about that proud papa?

We're doing all right, I think. She sleeps in 3-4 hour stretches, and the longer naps tend to happen during the day. She's a bit of a night owl. We'll work on that when she's a little older. For now, we're at her beck and wail and it's not so bad. She's on formula for the most part, with 2-3 bottles of breast milk a day. I'm going to meet with a lactation specialist this week to see if we can't get some help increasing that--I'd like her to have more milk than formula.

We have awesome friends. They are bringing us dinners this week, and the first one just arrived. Katie and Bob and their kids just stopped in with what looks to be some tasty chicken and salad and a bottle of wine. I've missed wine!

Ava saw her pediatrician on Friday. He was recommended to us by some other super cool friends (Tina and Jay) and we really like him. He answered our questions (most of his answers were, "yes, that's normal") and told us what to look for as far as common issues that arise with newborns. Ava was down a few ounces ("yes, that's normal.") and was given a clean bill of health. We go back to him in a month.

That's about it. Rob has one more day at home and then it's back to the grind for him. We're not really looking forward to that--it's been so great to have this week together. We've divvied up how we'll handle night feedings (anything after we both go to sleep is mine; anything after 5AM counts as his alarm clock). We'll see how that goes. That's been the theme for this week--we'll try something and see how it goes. So far, we've been right more often than not.

Hi. We're parents now.

We are having the time of our lives.

Rob and I look at each other and look at her and wonder how we ended up with such an amazing and perfect little girl. She's a riot. She's little--so little that we're thinking that she wasn't really late, she just took longer to get to just the right size.

I went into labor on Sunday night, about 11:00 and we got to the hospital at about 2. The rest is a blur. Except for the last part, where it was time to push. That part is pretty clear, even though it happened so quickly. There was a brief discussion about a possible need for a C-section after all, because my doctor could see the umbilical cord near Ava's head and thought that it was wrapped around her neck. She asked me if I thought I could push her out quickly and I said I could. Actually, I think I may have screamed it. Whatever. So I pushed and out she came. Rob was amazing. I'll say that again. Rob. Was. Amazing. He held my hand when the pain blocked everything out, rubbed my back when it stopped, and watched in wonder as his daughter came into the world. He's home with us until Wednesday and it's not a matter of him being here to help out--we're learning how to do this as a team. Even when neither of us knows what to do, at least we're lost together.

Since Monday, we've figured out some rules that seem to be important to remember. This is a list that will inevitably grow over time. I'll do bulletpoints.

• There is a period of time after a good feeding that we call Happy Baby Food Bliss Coma. Happy Baby Food Bliss Coma is fleeting and is not to be trifled with. When Ava enters this state, her eyes are open about halfway and she gets a big lazy grin and she goes all relaxed. Never ever ever interrupt Happy Baby Food Bliss Coma. Do not try to take a picture of Happy Baby Food Bliss Coma. Do not change a diaper, do not swaddle, do not make any sudden movements. Burp her and let her ride the wave.
  
• Any time she sleeps is precious. Take advantage of it. Shower, make a phone call, try to find where you put your purse, get some sleep.
  
• If she's not wet or in obvious pain, she's crying because she's hungry. That's it. Feed her. And it doesn't matter if she gets fed by nursing or by formula. Just feed her. Right now, food is love.
  
• Always always always have a burp cloth and the blue sucky thing handy.

We have an appointment with her pediatrician tomorrow, and we've made a list of questions that probably all show up on some list of New Parent FAQs and that's OK. We're quite proud to have survived the first three days as well as we have.

Here is her first picture from about a minute after she was born. Rob took it. Awww....


And here's about half an hour ago...


Seriously. All we can do is just stare at her.

Meet Ava Carolyn

January 12, 2009
1:38 PM
7 pounds, 8 ounces
19 1/2 inches long

We don't have a baby, but at least we have a plan.

It's frustrating, but I think we made the right choice. I had a very frank discussion with my OB, and then with Rob, about where we are. At 40 weeks 2 days, I'm not dilated. There is good news, in that the contractions on Saturday/Sunday did bring about some positive changes (I'll leave the details out...). However, if we were to decide to proceed with an induction at this point, there's about an 80% chance that I'd have at least 24 hours of labor that would result in a C-section. I've been hoping to avoid a C-section, just because there has been no reason thus far to go in that direction. The baby is healthy, there's plenty of amniotic fluid, my blood pressure is very good, and neither of us is in any particular distress. I'm not going to lie; I'm hurting and there really is no time when I'm comfortable. I'm exhausted and I have no energy because I don't eat or sleep enough. But that's not distress--that's just late pregnancy.

The plan is to give it another week (OH MY GOD ANOTHER WEEK WHAT THE HELL?!) to give nature a chance to take its course. I'm back at the perinatalogist on Friday, and again on Monday for fetal assessment (check fluid and heartbeat, rotate the tires, etc.) and then to the OB on Wednesday for one last look. At that point, we are going to go to the hospital, either for an induction with a better chance of natural delivery, or for a C-section with the knowledge that we gave this as much time as we safely could. Dr Jameson will not let me go past 41 weeks, because that's far enough past the due date for new and horrible complications to arise.

This was a tough choice. I do love Dr Jameson, because she gave the information and likely outcomes and made sure that we had the knowledge we needed to make our decision. And then once we made the decision, she proceeded without judgment. We could have decided that my discomfort was enough of a factor to change our minds about the C-section and we'd have our daughter in our arms by Saturday night after a labor that probably would be very hard on me. Tempting. Very tempting. But the whole point of this is to have a baby who is healthy, not a delivery that is convenient, and with that in mind, we're willing to give this a bit more time. Not an infinite amount of time, but another week feels like the best path for us.

Ideally, I will go into labor naturally sometime before Wednesday. It could happen. Rob is predicting that my water will break on Sunday afternoon, about 3:30--right before the Chargers game (Christ, we're still talking about football?!)--and we'd be OK with that as well. We could also still end up with a C-section. We'll deal with whatever outcome we get, because in the end, we still get to come home with our girl :).

It's going to be a long week, though.

Well that was sort of anticlimatic.

From the moment that the pregnancy test came up positive and I put my info into the due date calendar on babyfit.com, we have been staring at January 5, 2009, on the calendar. This has become one of those red letter days, against which every other date is compared. In our minds, January 5, 2009, was an important day.

It is now 5:39 on January 5, 2009, and the high point of today was my trip to Walmart.

We thought that the excitement was starting on Saturday night about midnight. I had regular contractions, and they continued through mid-afternoon on Sunday. We were stoked! And then, they just stopped. We were less stoked after that. And so now, we don't have a date that we're shooting for. There's no longer a deadline for having everything done. The clock really isn't ticking anymore. We're just.... waiting.

It's liberating, actually. The frenzied preparation of the past months is over. We've been able to slow down and look around at the things that we can do now that we may not be able to get to after she's born. Rob winterized the yard last week--not a huge project, but necessary and unlikely to be a priority with a new baby in the house. I've gotten some stuff around the house out of the way--things are clean that haven't been for a while. It's not the stereotypical pre-natal nesting instinct; we just finally had the time and the inclination to get some stuff done.

We've also had a great chance to relax with each other for longer than we'd anticipated. We're both sleeping better. We talk about what sort of parents we hope to be, beyond the previous "our kid will never do xyz" conversations. So while we're both excited for what is inevitably going to happen at some point in the next few days, we're not anxious about it.

So while I'm still going to have the conversation with my OB about maybe helping things along, it won't be because of a circled date on a calendar. She's not a library book that has a stamp in the inside cover (do they still do that?). Tomorrow's big highlight is lunch with the girls and maybe a trip to Home Depot for some weather stripping for the patio doors. Anything else that happens will be a bonus.

We know you're out there; we can hear you breathing.

According to my handy dandy tracking software, we've had about 60 unique hits on our little blog in the last two days. The downside of this is it doesn't tell us who is checking on us. If you're passing through and looking for updates, leave a comment so we know who you are!

No baby yet. We'll keep you posted. If nothing has happened by the time I see my OB on Wednesday, I think she and I are going to have a Come To Jesus talk about how we are ready to meet our daughter. I'm just exhausted. It's time.

She gets her own birthday; I get to keep mine.

I did have high hopes for a 2008 tax deduction, but it doesn't look good. This morning, it was made abundantly clear that she's going to be a January baby, and we won't be winning any "first baby of the year" awards either. And that's fine. She's healthy and active and will be here in her own time. I'm kind of relieved that we won't have to worry about getting across town to the hospital in a panic tonight when the crazy New Years Vegas party is in full force. Sure, we kind of scrambled to get everything ready, but we're so glad we did. It's hard to wait for her to get here, but it would be harder to try to do all of the scrambling with a sleeping/crying/wet/hungry baby in the house.

There's not much else going on. We're going to celebrate an early New Years with some friends tonight--the ball will be dropping at Jay and Tina's at midnight sharp, east coast time, so that the kids can enjoy it as well. We often laugh at how the parties in our circle have evolved over the years. They're much calmer and usually (but not always) quite a bit more dignified now, but no less fun.

Happy New Year!